drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
