...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
