Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Randomize
