I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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