He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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