It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
