I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
