3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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