I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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