So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize