I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
