Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
