How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
