If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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