Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
