Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
