She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
