we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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