my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
