I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
