Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
my poor anus
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
