She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
