This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
