I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
