hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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