My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
