just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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