I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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