Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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