Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
