pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
