So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my phone needs a breathalizer
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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