I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
