Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
