Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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