you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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