now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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