i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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