Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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