Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We have started to decorate penises.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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