My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
