how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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