he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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