I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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