he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
