Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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