if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
