wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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