I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
