Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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