I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize