I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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