i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
