I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize