You smell like a Billy Joel song
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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