I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
