I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
