My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
