did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm too high and old for this...
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