You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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