On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
