Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Two words: blizzard sex
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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