i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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