sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
