Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I have already put on my inside pants.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
